Bitter Taste

12 March 2026

https://poems.culturing.net/2026/03/12/bitter-taste/

Are you too young? I don't know, I don't know...
You are in the tail end of adolescence, that much seems clear,
but you will not be there forever. I can tell you
that each passing year will mean less than before.
A gap of years will feel smaller as time goes by.
But it may be too soon for you to be serious
about love. I suppose that I dreamed I might jolt you
into readiness, against my better judgment, which knew
from the first where things stand. But I did not expect
such desire, so soon. It caught me off guard, and now
I face my own unreadiness too, unready to carry the burdens
of desire, for the most part on my own, while your hands
are still forming. And yet you are liminal, sometimes adult,
sometimes not, so perhaps I was able to wish away
the childish moments as so much chaff. You are surely on your way
to rare womanhood, and that makes me hesitate. How can I
walk away, let some other man step in, when I've found
what I want? But how can I wait for uncertain results?

I suppose I can wait and have waited (despite many
wrestles with demons) because something in me just knows, or
thinks it knows, that it's worth a chance. You have something
I want, and sure, we can brutalize ourselves and say
it's just sex, but that's not quite right, is it? You are not the only female,
of course, and if all I wanted were sex I could probably find it
with less trouble. Sex is the most potent form of influence,
and I think what I really want is your influence
and to give mine in return. I'm convinced you could make me
better, and I you, at least once you are strong enough
to endure this exchange of energies. It is not
necessarily wicked, but it is a strong drink, one not to be ventured
by one who's not up to it. If you feel up to it,
then you may try, not before.

I don't know where that leaves us. From the first
I have hoped that if you (or I) were not ready, at least
this experience would help us both grow. I think
maybe it has. If I speak for myself, then
it certainly has. But it has a bitter taste now,
like something best left alone. So I'll leave it alone,
to the best of my ability, and let us digest it
each on our own. I am sorry for any pain I've caused,
but you may in the end prove stronger for it.
This was my hope, and this is my hope still.