What Waiting Meant

15 April 2026

https://poems.culturing.net/2026/04/15/what-waiting-meant/

Reflecting back on who she was, or who
I thought she was, I still can see the appeal.
She early showed signs of what now I can name,
the vulnerable kind of narcissism, oscillations between
extremes of pride and shame. But beneath this
was something beautiful, awareness of her own condition,
the capacity to display it in art and even
in her public persona. This was her chiaroscuro,
this deeper earnestness, a deep desire
for authentic connection in spite of the knowledge of her flaws.
How many narcissists can name their narcissism?
Only the rarest, only those destined to heal.
This was my hope, and what I waited for.

She made some progress. Images of extremes
were replaced by those of integration. She reached out
tentatively through a veil, demanding control over any intimacy.
In the end this control proved too limiting.
But she may have a future free from these fears.
It is too soon to tell. My future will surely
house memories of her, but the wound is deep
and not less than a miracle could rekindle the flame.
But miracles do occur. I would like to believe
she can learn to be trustworthy. I too have learned it
and not without effort and many mistakes. But
until she learns it, and proves it with much repetition,
I cannot trust her.

Still, she was useful to me, as vulgar as it is
to say it. She gave me cause to develop my powers
of love, and an object for love unlike any I knew before.
I did not imagine her depths, though I did invent
a rushed timeline and certain outcome. Her transformation
could only have come from the depths, and I share those depths,
so I know them well. It was stunning to find them in another,
but I really believed it, and was probably right.
But depth does not equal maturity, and the lack of the latter
makes any connection perilous, perhaps more so for two souls
full of uncommon knowledge. My boundary stands,
but so does my admiration. If only she could learn
to rest in herself, in the powers of healing within...
but there I go orchestrating her life again. I must follow
my own advice, and let her follow hers.